the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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