When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
