We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
