If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We need to get me chipped asap
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
