Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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