Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
