i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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