bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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