You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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