I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
