On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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