He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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