Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
