sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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