Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
