I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I want is dick and wine.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
