a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
