I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
