time to smoke my breakfast
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
