made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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