Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
