Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
