I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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