Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
