All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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