just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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