K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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