In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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