Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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