Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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