i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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