How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize