apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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