where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was born a porn star she said
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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