i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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