Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My vagina just clenched in fear
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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