First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
