GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
