The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
