JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
