Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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