I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
