After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
