You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
