I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
