Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
