I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize