is your mom at the bar?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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