you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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