Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
