i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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