my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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