Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
