Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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