I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
