drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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