I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
