Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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